i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
