you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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