I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
