so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
he's single and there are thong briefs.
You did what with his pubic hair?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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