i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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