remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
