The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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