There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
