It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
