I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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