don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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