I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
