i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
