there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
