I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
sarcasm needs its own font
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize
