if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
