I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
