I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
