Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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