And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
