Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
