The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
