I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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