First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
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He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
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If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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