the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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