My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
