Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
