Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
