there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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