I need to stop coming to work sober
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
