this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
