how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
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I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
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Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
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