It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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