I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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