Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
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