i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
40s are totally the cure
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
