oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
