dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
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