The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize