OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
