she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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