I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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