in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You are the jesus of drinking
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
