Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
