There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
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