I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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