haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
