gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
