I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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