he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
