herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
