Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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