Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
