My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
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every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
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Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
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