When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I am available for nakedness
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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