I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
