What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
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