I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Dicks are not precious.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
